just sitting tight today....

As expected, not really any news from the ultrasound today. It was pretty much the same as yesterday so we are going to wait and look for growth tomorrow. They are planning on doing the u/s fairly early in the morning because the doctor wants to do the c-section around noon if we end up delivering. This will give the NICU more time in the afternoon to do their assessments and get the baby stabilized.

a little disclaimer: You have probably already noticed that I pretty much write whatever I want on this blog. I know I have a lot of new visitors that are checking for baby updates and sometimes I feel like I need to edit what I say because I do not want to be too emotional or make anybody uncomfortable. I am just going to be honest because I feel like I need to get some of this out, for me. I don't mind at all that you all are reading it, just know that you are forewarned there is mushy stuff ahead :)

I feel like each day I am slowly falling into a deeper slump. Even though I am an emotional basketcase today I feel okay about it because we should have some answers tomorrow. Either the baby will be here, or there will be a new plan in place. (even though it may just be more waiting!) At least we will be past this big "Wednesday" milestone we have been trying to reach for what seems like eternity. The guilt has set in big time. I don't necessarily blame myself or think I could have done anything different, but I do feel guilty for being so incredibly miserable in this hospital. Even sometimes wishing that they would just do the surgery so that I can get out of here. The only thing I can do for this baby right now is sit in this bed and at times I do not feel like I can do even that for him. I am feeling a little disconnected from him. I remember feeling that way with Charlie as well, but I always thought that was because I was a first time mom with him and had no idea what I should be feeling. I thought I would feel differently this time since I know what that bond between mother and child feels like now. I am sure it has to do with knowing what we are in for - not being able to hold him after he is born, not being able to take him home, not being his primary caretaker. Just trying to protect myself from the pain I guess.
I know that God can change this. He can heal my baby and he can turn this pregnancy right around. Even though it sounds like I have already given up, I have not. I am standing on his word and his plan. I do forget to pray for myself and my own strength. It is so easy to keep the focus on the baby.

Either Eric or I will try our best to keep the blog updated tomorrow. Thanks as always for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.