it has been a looooong week....

Boy, am I glad that this week is over. Cannon had a very rough week and by this morning I had pretty much lost all patience. It really seems like we have been taking one step forward and then two steps back. Last week, things seemed to be getting better. His feedings were getting easier, he was doing some self-soothing and we seemed to be working into somewhat of a schedule. I was feeling encouraged. Then things drastically changed this week. Feedings have been difficult, he has no interest in anything but being carried 24/7, and he is getting up twice a night again. I am tired and frustrated. Amy (his OT) asked if maybe he could be teething? She was not able to feel any bumps. I feel like I can never tell until the teeth actually show up since he seems to experience the symptoms of teething on a daily basis anyway. It would be a little early for teething, but she said that some babies can feel the itch very early, even months prior to the teeth actually popping up. I don't know, seems like it is just a guessing game most of the time.
I thought that I had accepted that this was just who Cannon was and that it was going to be difficult, but this week it became glaringly obvious that I am still having a hard time with it. I am still grieving over the hopes I had of having an "easy/normal" baby. I know that raising a baby is never really easy, but I do know that it could be much easier than this. I feel guilty for being so upset. So many days I am able to focus on how lucky we are that Cannon is even in our lives. How blessed we are that he is so healthy after what he has been through. But in weeks like this I feel like I am not cutting it. That I can't do what it takes to make him happy. Everything seems to be a struggle. He hates tummy time and all the exercises that are supposed to help him get better. He hates running errands or eating out (not even restaurants, just a quick stop at a fast food place is pretty much impossible). He often gets overstimulated around strangers. He gets really upset when he has the hiccups - which he seems to have all the time. He even gets the hiccups after he laughs, so you don't even want to hear his cute little laugh because then you just know he will get the hiccups and then be all ticked off. Add that all up and you can see that he seems to be unhappy just about all the time. Seems like I can't win no matter how hard I try.
This week I plan to focus on the positive. To remind myself as many times as necessary that we are going to get through this. To learn that when you want to give up, sometimes it is not even an option. To remember that going through this is making me a better mother, and just may even be making me a better person.